How to Balance and Restore Your Relationship

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By: Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Many problems in relationships arise because we react blindly. Reaction arises out of our automatic, conditioned nature that expects trouble at every turn. When we are caught up in "reaction" it becomes easy and natural to blame the other for what is going on. As we do this, we are shifting responsibility for the mess we are in. Relationship balancing teaches us the true meaning of responsibility - which is the ability to respond not to react. This must be learned and cultivated. When we learn to respond we automatically become aligned with the best in ourselves and others and have the opportunity to build our relationship upon a strong foundation. The exercises which follow enable us to respond, not react.

Give The Other The Benefit Of The Doubt
Most of the time, when something upsetting happens, we find negative reasons for someone's behavior, see the worst in them. In relationship balancing, we turn this around and consciously, give the other the benefit of the doubt. Find positive explanations instead, actively focus upon the best in your partner and create positive reasons for their behavior.

By seeing the best, not the worst in the other we are balancing our natural inclination to find fault. As we do this, we will also begin to look for and see the best in ourselves. Perception is vital. As we perceive, so shall we be. What we see in others, we bring out in them. This is a deeper understanding of "responsibility". It teaches us to become responsible for how we perceive a situation, what aspect of it we wish to focus upon. By taking charge of our perception, out of thousands of possible points of view, we choose those that will be supportive and uplifting. We do not choose to perceive in a way that encourages anger and upset.

Do not give up on a person.
We are often ready to "dump" a person because they are difficult to handle. This principal teaches us to stay with a situation or person, right through their difficulties. This does not mean that we can never leave or change a relationship, but even if we do that, we do not give up on the person, but hold them in our minds and hearts with warm regards.

Stay In The Present. Let The Past Be The Past.
This step requires that we give up grudges and allow each day to be new. We deal with events, as they are taking place now and do not carry the past into each encounter. This allows change to take place and allows each moment to arise freshly. So many relationships flounder because the partners never wake up to a new day. Reality continually renews and confronts us with new tasks and possibilities. Are we in touch with this ever flowing reality, or constantly dwelling on the past? Is our energy used up remembering how we were wronged and what we must do to make it right? Give this up and try the wonderful medicine of staying in the present and letting the past be the past.

Learn how to resolve conflict and build life giving relationships in Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), Top psychologist, mediator and relationship expert, founder of Everyone Wins Mediation, has helped thousands resolve conflicts and find balance and strength. Free ezine, articles. Find her at,,, (212) 288-0028


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