When a person learns that their husband
or wife doesn't love them anymore, they go crazy trying to find a
fix for their problem. The same is true for couples trying to
resolve differences before it's too late.
Many people go online and search for THE answer. (That's probably
how you found this article.) But finding a solution to your marriage
problems is not like finding a solution to your home equity problem.
You can't just click, buy, and get instant gratification.
Today people are into quick fixes. But you can't "microwave" a
relationship. Relationships work according to the law of the
You know how a harvest works, don't you? In the spring time you have
to plant. Then you have to water, fertilize, and irrigate all summer
long. There's something else you have to do too…wait! You have to be
patient. And then, after you complete every step of the process, you
can harvest the crop.
We're not used to revering a process. Most people look for
short-cuts. Today everything is about efficiency. Efficiency works
with machines, business, and finances. But efficiency does NOT work
Renewing a marriage takes TIME. There are no short-cuts! You have to
respect the process and be willing to take every step. (And you have
to know what the steps are.)
Can you imagine goofing-off all spring and summer and then trying to
harvest a crop in the fall? It's impossible!
Relationships, like crops, are governed by the natural laws of the
universe. There are no short-cuts. If you skip a step, you'll short
circuit the process and slow yourself down. But if you take your
time and go step-by-step…that's the fastest way.
A while ago I had a series of marriage coaching sessions with a man
desperately trying to "win back" his wife. He told me about an
e-book he downloaded which recommended that he date other women in
order to make his wife jealous. He said the author explained that
this would bring his wife back to him.
"Yeah," I said. "And then what?"
"What do you mean?" he said.
"Your wife left you because she wasn't happy with YOU," I explained.
"If YOU don't change, then she'll leave again. If your relationship
doesn't change, then you will have accomplished nothing LONG-TERM."
Think about it. What kind of man would date a woman to make his wife
jealous? The woman he's dating is looking for emotional intimacy and
probably to get married. But he's using her. That's not nice! In
fact, that's exactly the kind of man that a woman would leave and
NEVER come back to.
Now you might be thinking, "Yeah Mort, but how would his wife ever
know that he was using this woman?"
Here's the answer. Listen carefully.
His wife would know because if he did it, then that's who he is. His
wife may not know the details of what he's doing. But she knows him.
And if he did such a thing, then that's him, and everyone knows it.
William George Jordan said, "Into the hands of every individual is
given a marvelous power for good or evil—the silent, unconscious,
unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation
of what man really is, not what he pretends to be."
There IS an energy that emanates from all of us. You can't fake it.
It's a function of who you really are. And who you really are is
determined by how you live.
The only way YOU can change your marriage is to change yourself.
You've got to become the man or woman that anyone would want to be
married to. You have to learn what a man/woman wants in a marriage
AND how to implement relationship habits so that you can offer it
Are you thinking, "It's not me that needs to change; it's my
It's easy to confess your spouse's sins. And you're probably correct
about what you're spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be
right. And it's a complete waste of time and energy to focus on your
spouse's problems. There's nothing you can do about it. The only
relevant question is: What's YOUR fixing?
You had a role in the deterioration of your marriage. I have NEVER
seen a marital situation that is caused by one spouse. There's
always dual responsibility. What can YOU do to improve the
Reflect on your past relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at
your parent's marriage. Are you recreating the model you saw when
you were a child? Have you explored the childhood roots of your
relationship habits and how they contributed to your marital
Even if your spouse had an affair, you're partly responsible. That
doesn't mean that it's your fault and it doesn't excuse your
spouse's inappropriate behavior, but the question still remains:
What was your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was not
available within it?
Business people selling e-books (or other such product and services)
might be able to take advantage of desperate men and woman searching
for a fast solution to their problems. But these quick-fix
techniques NEVER work. In fact, they make matters worse! Why?
Because you only get one chance at a second chance. Did you hear
that? You only get one chance at a second chance. Don't blow your
chance on a quick-fix technique. Begin now the REAL process of
renewing your marriage and start to put into place the building
blocks for a healthy LASTING marriage.
If you would like some FREE help
with this and a FREE marriage assessment, you can sign-up for free
MORT FERTEL has an international
reputation for helping people renew their marriage. In addition to
working with couples, he teaches individuals how to improve their
relationship and motivate a stubborn spouse. People from all over
the world schedule private tele-sessions with Mort Fertel and seek
his counsel by joining the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. Over
50,000 people a year subscribe to his e-zine. Mort Fertel appeared
on NBC, CBS, PBS, and the Fox News Network. He is a frequent guest
on talk radio programs including NPR. His breakthrough work,
Marriage Fitness, was profiled in The Washington Post, Family
Circle, Glamour Magazine, Fitness Magazine, The Library Journal,
Women's Health, The Denver Post, The Orlando Sentinel, The Baltimore
Sun, and The Toronto Sun. Mort Fertel graduated from the Wharton
School of Business and the University of Pennsylvania, was the CEO
of an international non-profit organization, and a former marathon
runner. He lives with his wife and 4 children (including triplets!)
in Baltimore, Maryland.