By: Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
 

Do you water "the garden" that is your relationship? Whether you're in a new relationship, or have been married for many years, it's important to behave in a way that your partner feels cared for. Some people truly don't know what that looks like - and others love the other but forget to demonstrate that love.

In my couples therapy practice, the people who struggle the most typically are not tending to their relationship gardens. Reasons for that are many and can include the routine of life, jobs and family, a build-up of resentment or simply never being modeled "how" to "be" in a healthy relationship. The good new is, whatever the reason, there are many easy ways to show love to your partner - you just need to make it a priority to do it!

Here are 10 simple ways to make your partner feel loved:

1. Ask them how their day was - and sincerely be interested. Your partner will feel cared for if you demonstrate an interest in their day. If you don't normally do this - and their response is a one-word, "good" or "ok," press on and ask more questions.

2. Leave "love notes" on post-its in places for them to find. Simply write a one-sentence message showing your affection for them and leave the note in their lunch, on top of their pillow, on the bathroom mirror or any other creative place you can think of. For the one moment they find your message, you will likely put a smile on their face.

3. Ask them about something that interests them. If your partner has a hobby, sport or something else they like to do, particularly one that you don't share the same interest in, ask them about it. Even if it's something you don't remotely care about, try to "care" being that your partner does. They will probably be pleasantly surprised - and feel cared for that you are curious.

4. Give them a massage. Physical touch is a great way to demonstrate love. Massaging away your partner's aches and pains is a loving act that says, "I want you to relax and feel good." The intention around this should not be expectations around sexual intimacy though if it happens naturally, than great!

5. Plan a well thought out surprise. Spend some time planning a date, outdoor adventure or something different that you can do with your partner. They will feel loved knowing that you took the time to be creative and organize something fun for the two of you.

6. Say "Thank you." It's way too easy to forget to say "thank you" in a relationship, particularly a longer one. Those two little words demonstrate appreciation for your partner's efforts - which will feel nice to them.

7. Send a text or e-mail during day with a loving message. What a wonderful thing to get an unexpected reminder in the middle of their workday of how much you care about them. Sending an e-mail or a text is a great way to remind them of this.

8. Offer to watch the kids so they can do "their thing." As wonderful as having a family with children is, it can mean less time for each of you to do the things that keep you centered - or that you simply enjoy. When the weekend is approaching, give your partner some time off so they can go out and do "their thing." They will feel cared for by your thoughtfulness - and be able to enjoy having the unexpected freedom to do what they like.

9. Sincerely apologize when it's needed. We all make mistakes and can unintentionally hurt each other. The most important thing is that you take responsibility for your actions. If you've done or said something that you know was hurtful to your partner, sincerely tell them you are sorry. The act of validating their feelings along with an apology for your role is a loving act. It tells them they are important to you and you didn't mean to hurt them.

10. Say the words, "I love you." How could I make a list of "10 simple ways to make your partner feel loved" without stating the obvious? A lot of times, particularly in longer relationships, couples forget to say those three important words. I've had clients tell me, "Why do I need to say it when she/he should know that already?" My advice is to say the words anyway. It might not be as obvious to them as you think.

Just like a beautiful garden filled with lush plants and flowers requires tending to, intimate relationships need their soil to be watered. One way to tend to your own "relationship garden" is to remember to say the words and do the actions that make it flourish - and each other feel loved.


Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples and The Marriage Refresher Course for Couples. She more of her relationship articles, tips, tools and advice in The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.